Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
