Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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