a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
