i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
