I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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