Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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