Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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