TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize