I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
