I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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