Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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