His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
