I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
