Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
