Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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