I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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