I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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