Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
