im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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