i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize