No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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