Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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