i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
