I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
