You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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