I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
