Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
