I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
