just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
