We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
