is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
