So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if only i could text you this smell
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
