I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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