I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
