i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
