last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
