i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
