I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
