Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
