A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
