you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When are your genitals available?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
