capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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