are you still at the devil's house?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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