Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
