My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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