my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
