Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
