Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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