Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
