you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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