If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
