Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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