You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I want you more than these girls want KFC
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
