I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
