Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
