true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
