u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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