DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
