Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
