I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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