So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize