That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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