I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize