when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
